well. i am slightly devastated. i called yesterday about the job i interviewed for last week (since he said he'd call me by tuesday and he hadn't) to find out that despite a great interview, i was not selected. i tried my best to be gracious but as soon as i hung up, i cried. i cried every time i thought about it..every time i thought, "i am such a loser." loser. a word rarely found in my vocabulary but a way i've been feeling lately as time drags on. interview after interview. time after time of being told things like, "you're smart," "you're bright," "you have a lot of potential," "the right position will come along and you'll know it's the one," etc. it's hard to want to get excited for interviews because given my track record, what's the point?! i didn't tell my parents until late last night because i just felt so ashamed. i yelled at them (my dad) for not being more supportive of the way i was feeling...defeated, like a loser. i cried after taking B out..sat on her bed with my head in my hands and tears falling down my face (she tried to lick my tears, so sweet)...and then i went to bed.
today is a brand new day. i'm still sad. i still feel defeated, and even still like a loser. but that word doesn't hold same amount of weight today as it did yesterday. it's a job. i wanted it really badly. not just because it was a job for the jobless, but because of where it was...it meant going back to the charlotte area and getting out of raleigh..this rut. but, they didn't pick me. there's nothing i can do about it and i know that it's their loss. it does me no good to just sit around and cry about it. and, i'm proud to say that today, no tears fell. even when i thought about that word, loser. no tears because i know that i'm not.

God has a plan for me, of that i am sure. this plan, which is unknown to me, i cling to. because without my God, my faith, my world would be dark and i would be defeated. life goes on...there are more jobs to apply for and someday (soon, i hope), someone will say, "jessica, we choose you." to which i will respond, "it's about damn time!" ;)