past relationships

 

in recent weeks, I've had 2 exes reach out. I put off one of them..mostly since I refer to him not by name but as "douchey dude." the other? the other one was referred to as "the great love of my life." remember him? he's still married and doesn't live in nc, so I figured he was safe. one thing I get joy from reconnecting with past likes/loves/etc., is when they apologize for being buttheads. he confessed that he did in fact love me and screwed up with me. I loved him so much back then so it was nice to know that the feelings were, in fact, reciprocated. but, we were young back then and I think, quite honestly, that the way and the magnitude of my love was too much for him. so he married someone else. I hated him for a long time, which I told him. but, it's water under the bridge. if I hadn't loved him the way I had, I don't know that I would know that I am capable of loving a man that much. can I say that I love the boyfriend like that? honestly, no. but, it's situational. the boyfriend has always treated me well, with respect and love. he doesn't use and abuse me like brad did. he doesn't ignore me or only see me when it's convenient for him. he makes time and wants to spend time with me. quite honestly, I've probably been more of the guy of our relationship. but, I do love him and I do care about him. and, when thinking about the prospect of getting engaged and married, I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else. is that enough? I hope so...because it's all I got. has reconnecting surfaced old feelings? probably. but, even if he hadn't gotten married and I wasn't in a serious, monogamous relationship, it probably wouldn't work. I'm a lot of who I was in my 20's but I'm also a world away of my younger self. I firmly believe and hold on to the ideal that if I hadn't done the things I'd done, dated/spent time with the people I shared my time with, had the experiences I had (awesome and utterly sucky)...I wouldn't be who I am, I wouldn't be where I am, and I certainly wouldn't know what I know NOW. life is about decisions and using your decisions to trudge forward. and so, I trudge forward into the last month of 2013.