so, the boy and i have been together for a little over two years. and for the better part of the last year, i've felt like i've been on this hamster wheel, torn between the strong feelings i have for him and our future and the ongoing season of doubt that marriage is even something i want. last week, i went and talked with my college pastor, to gain the perspective from someone who's not in the relationship, not related to me, and doesn't have a preference in which way it could work out. he suggested taking a break, 3-4 weeks to focus on what it is that's holding me back, to focus on the Word and turning to Jesus during this period of uncertainty.
saturday, he came over. and i told him that we should take a break. he got teary eye - it was so hard to see his lip quiver. i never wanted to hurt him...i think it's better to take this time now to figure things out than be in a lifelong of uncertainty and regret. i do love him and miss him, even though it's only been a couple of days. maybe spending time with other men/people, will help give me some perspective and/or show me i've been foolish.
we'll get back together to see where we stand & how we feel, probably around the time of my birthday. all i want is peace - peace in knowing that i made the right decision in taking the break, peace in the decision of whether to stay or go that hopefully comes out of this time, peace in knowing who i am and what i want out of this life i've been given.
i just feel sad. not hopeless, but hopeful. hopeful this period of time will prove to be fruitful, for both of us.
**update: it's been the better part of a week and i miss him. i know i violate my own rules but i texted him..he started crossfit on tuesday and i wanted to check in and see if he liked it (he did). every day i ask myself the same question: "if i had to choose between him and being a single, independent woman which would i choose?" and every day so far, the answer has been, "him." so obviously, i really do have a problem, issues that need to be resolved (not that that wasn't already obvious). on sunday, i did spend time with a guy - the one i refer to as "douchey dude" and boy was he! even if the boy and i don't wind up together, i am NOT going to wind up with him. he is...a piece of work to put it nicely. but, anyways.....**
saturday, he came over. and i told him that we should take a break. he got teary eye - it was so hard to see his lip quiver. i never wanted to hurt him...i think it's better to take this time now to figure things out than be in a lifelong of uncertainty and regret. i do love him and miss him, even though it's only been a couple of days. maybe spending time with other men/people, will help give me some perspective and/or show me i've been foolish.
we'll get back together to see where we stand & how we feel, probably around the time of my birthday. all i want is peace - peace in knowing that i made the right decision in taking the break, peace in the decision of whether to stay or go that hopefully comes out of this time, peace in knowing who i am and what i want out of this life i've been given.
i just feel sad. not hopeless, but hopeful. hopeful this period of time will prove to be fruitful, for both of us.
**update: it's been the better part of a week and i miss him. i know i violate my own rules but i texted him..he started crossfit on tuesday and i wanted to check in and see if he liked it (he did). every day i ask myself the same question: "if i had to choose between him and being a single, independent woman which would i choose?" and every day so far, the answer has been, "him." so obviously, i really do have a problem, issues that need to be resolved (not that that wasn't already obvious). on sunday, i did spend time with a guy - the one i refer to as "douchey dude" and boy was he! even if the boy and i don't wind up together, i am NOT going to wind up with him. he is...a piece of work to put it nicely. but, anyways.....**
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