break

so, the boy and i have been together for a little over two years. and for the better part of the last year, i've felt like i've been on this hamster wheel, torn between the strong feelings i have for him and our future and the ongoing season of doubt that marriage is even something i want. last week, i went and talked with my college pastor, to gain the perspective from someone who's not in the relationship, not related to me, and doesn't have a preference in which way it could work out. he suggested taking a break, 3-4 weeks to focus on what it is that's holding me back, to focus on the Word and turning to Jesus during this period of uncertainty.

saturday, he came over. and i told him that we should take a break. he got teary eye - it was so hard to see his lip quiver. i never wanted to hurt him...i think it's better to take this time now to figure things out than be in a lifelong of uncertainty and regret. i do love him and miss him, even though it's only been a couple of days. maybe spending time with other men/people, will help give me some perspective and/or show me i've been foolish.

we'll get back together to see where we stand & how we feel, probably around the time of my birthday. all i want is peace - peace in knowing that i made the right decision in taking the break, peace in the decision of whether to stay or go that hopefully comes out of this time, peace in knowing who i am and what i want out of this life i've been given.

i just feel sad. not hopeless, but hopeful. hopeful this period of time will prove to be fruitful, for both of us.

**update: it's been the better part of a week and i miss him. i know i violate my own rules but i texted him..he started crossfit on tuesday and i wanted to check in and see if he liked it (he did). every day i ask myself the same question: "if i had to choose between him and being a single, independent woman which would i choose?" and every day so far, the answer has been, "him." so obviously, i really do have a problem, issues that need to be resolved (not that that wasn't already obvious). on sunday, i did spend time with a guy - the one i refer to as "douchey dude" and boy was he! even if the boy and i don't wind up together, i am NOT going to wind up with him. he is...a piece of work to put it nicely. but, anyways.....**

may 1 - may 31

mother's day - sunday 5.11
memorial day - monday 5.26

town council - thursday 5.1
clean the communal refrigerator - friday 5.2
clean my desk/surfaces - friday 5.9
county rec advisory committee - thursday 5.8
pay day - friday 5.9
unrba - wednesday 5.21
cog - thursday 5.22 ?
pay day - friday 5.23
office closed - monday 5.26

- find a new dentist that is on my insurance
- make appointments: lady doctor (must go this month!), dentist, eye doctor
- returns: michael's, target, walgreens, loft
- exchange green ladder for one with a slimmer silhouette going to keep it b/c a) i can't find my receipt, b) i've made space in the closet & c) it has the handy holes on top for my hammer, screwdriver, etc.
- get work e-mail on my phone
- cancel home internet service & free myself from time warner cable (!!) i did it! bill needs to be adjusted & paid and then i'm free!
- make a sizeable payment on account
- 5.10 revert to envelope system
- take a load to my parents' (including big ladder)
- do some work at my parents' house
  * my room (is too much like a storage unit these days!)
  * my bathroom (patch holes, sand walls, re-paint, repair/stain/paint vanity cabinet, add hardware, soft textures)
  * computer room (find animal control ordinance research, clear out my stuff to store in my room)
- take a load to goodwill and/or durham rescue mission
- take a load to the dry cleaners
- diy wreath for entry (i did finally buy the yarn & felt!)
- diy no-sew curtains for my bedroom (i'm trying to decide if i want to keep them short or go with 96" panels)
- read & return historic preservation book
- daily challege: 30 overhead squats with pvc, 30 butterfly sit ups, 30 push ups, minimum 10 minutes of stretching/mobility
- weekly challenge: go for a walk at least 2x
- quit eating out as much, including breakfast. get back to cooking a weekly breakfast, lunch and two dinners.- have the much-needed, serious conversation with the boy. i think we need a break. :\ did it...& we are temporarily not together
- church: attend contemporary worship and sunday school at least 2x
- shred fest
- adjust entry wall/gallery wall...it feels too empty.
- hang perspectives
- redo clothing storage in my bedroom: closet, drawers, underbed boxes
- read 1 book: either finish jeff bethke's jesus > religion that i started at the beach or alyssa's spoken for

hopefully my tax return payments will come and i can decide what to do with the money...i can either apply it towards my chase account (which is 0% interest until october) or go ahead and pay my car insurance in full (again) when it's due in july. or, i could pay the insurance in full and make a small payment on the account that could be supplemented by an even heftier payment from my paycheck. not the worst decision to have to make - since there'll be money to "play around with". :)

...is it friday yet?!

i've been thinking about blogging more. lately (as in the past year +), it's become a place for me to keep my lists of things to do and things to try to do. not that anyone really reads it anyways, but i liked it better when i wrote about more than just lists. although being able to strikethrough what's being accomplished as it's getting done and seeing it on the screen can be quite satisfying...

so, yes. i cancelled cable & turned in the equipment last friday. i am seriously considering dropping internet too. it's still a time suck. do i really need it? m-f 8-5 i'm at work with internet access, so i'm able to pay bills online and check personal e-mail if i need to. i just feel like going "off the grid" so to speak...reading more, getting more done. something to think about for sure. they did drop my payment down to $30 after taxes/fees, so it's better, but $0 would be even better. ;)

last friday - sunday i went down to emerald isle to see my BFF adina. it was fun - great to see my little one! and i'll be headed back in september, after labor day. she won't be able to get any more weekends off this summer and i'm not really good with tourists...boys were cute, we went to the beach, i bought gifts for my grandma and sister's still-in-the-oven-cooking baby, AND found a new tasty alcoholic beverage: cider and blue moon, with or without the orange slice. it's right smooth! :) i did drink more alcoholic beverages, over a longer period of time, than i have in at least 3 months. ...if my 21 year old self (heck, even 26!) could see my 30 year old self now! lol.

this is a pretty light week. i got my taxes mailed yesterday - sent them certified just to be certain. should get a return from both state and federal - although the state return is < $10!, thankfully if my math is right, i'll get much more than that back from the feds. i'm trying to decide if i should hold it and pay my car insurance in june, in full; or, use it to pay a chunk/almost pay off my credit card. it's a toss up because i really enjoy not having a monthly car insurance payment. plus, if i cancel internet too then i'm only down to 4 payments other than rent. and once my credit cards are done, then i'll be left with 2: cell phone and power, combined $130.00. that would be awesome!!

it all wraps back around to money. and i apologize. if you must know, i'm also struggling with my romantic relationship but it's just easier to talk about money (if my 26 year old self could hear my 30 year old self!)!

take it easy...

i did it! :) i've been stressing over cable for more than 6 months and now the stress has ceased! first it was whether or not to get it or not, since i had previously been living with free cable (in the same building, which was weird). so i decided to get it. but after 6 months of paying up to wahzoo for cable and internet, i finally pulled the trigger. i'm going to be off on friday anyways - setting out for a girls' weekend - so i'm free to turn in my box/remote/etc. i was going to ditch internet too...since their basic is so reasonably ($15.00 + tax/fees) and without my bundle, my internet (only one step above basic) would've been $40+...but the rep brought my after-tax/fee payment down to a "reasonable" rate. i'm very excited.

next step: buy a digital antenna for ~ $30. :)

in other news, tax day is in a week. i'm halfway-ish done. i'm also planning on mailing them out on thursday/friday. and it would appear that for the first time in YEARS, that i should get a little chunk back. i was just hoping to not have to pay more this year, so a refund was unexpected. and that's just federal, so far. :)

happy tuesday..hope you're not as tired as i am!

april 2014

palm sunday 4/13

good friday 4/18

easter 4/20

earth day 4/22

 

gun range 4/5

get my hair done! 4/5

off work! 4/11

girls' weekend 4/11-13

my grandma's birthday 4/18

 

presentation to town council 4/3

p/u rezoning signs 4/4

wynngate hoa meeting 4/8

easter egg hunt, county greenway technical committee meeting, count recreation advisory committee meeting, planning board...all 4/10

 

- be on time (8:00)
- hoard my time -- summertime's coming!
- save $20/week ($100/month) -- put in money drawer
- sizeable payment on acct (+/- $150)
- returns: anthro (do i really NEED 3 pairs of black linen pants?), sears (exchange tees)
- mail my tax returns (due by 4/15)- bag & tag items to donate
- take donations to goodwill, durham rescue mission
- dry cleaners
- diy wreath for front door (spring/summer) i got the felt & yarn(!!)
- diy curtains for bedroom
- redo gallery wall in entry
- adjust art placement following furniture rearranging from march
- take remaining out-of-season wares and decor to m/d's

- #1 thing to accomplish this month?! CANCEL cable & internet...highway robbery i tell ya! i'm reluctant to cancel internet but since it's a bundle, my after cancellation rate would be $40/month which is ridiculous for 2nd to the bottom internet. i did it!...hooray!

march 2014

• st. patrick's day - monday 3/17
• mom's birthday - wednesday 3/19
• jenn's birthday party - saturday 3/22
• beana's birthday - sunday 3/23
   
• be on time (8:00 not 8:15)
• hoard my time (vacation & sick)
• update zoning maps
• continue to save money each pay period
• make sizeable payment on account (+$200)
• make returns: office depot, sears, j.jill
• finish hanging art (gallery wall in entry, dining room, etc.)
• diy wreath for spring
• take donations to goodwill, durham rescue mission - piles made. just need to bag & tag.
• take winter clothes to m/d's
• set up filing system, cabinets, etc.
• take heavy coats to m/d's
• redo coat closet with additional storage
• diy curtains for my room
• read & ship historic preservation book
• read & ship landscape architecture magazine
• dry cleaners
• challenge: 10 15 push ups/day + 20 30 sit ups/day + 30 squats/day

february 2014

does the shortest month of the year deserve a shorter goal list? nah. here are my hopes for february.

work
* be on time
* hoard my time (vac, sick, comp)

wallet
* continue to save money (in anticipation of opening a savings account)
* pay more than the minimum for my credit account
* patience. i want to knock out my credit debt first (at least the small balance) but i know i'm supposed to stay diligent in saving for my emergency fund ($1K).
* continue to think about ditching cable - i pay almost $90 for internet/cable. ridiculous! ...and downgrading my internet. it's all about the benjamins - at least when you're starting out!
* returns: target, office depot, etc.

home
* finish hanging art
* diy under-cabinet lighting
* diy new wreath for entry
* take "leftovers" to m/d's
* set up filing system, file cabinets, etc.
* tackle the laundry room
* tackle the coat closet
i bought some "tall" cabinets from target last weekend and redid my room, except for hanging art. i still need to tweak some things but i think it's almost there..almost done. :)
body
* 10 reps/day push ups
* 20 reps/day air squats
* 30 reps/day sit ups
* 5 min. stretching/day (minimum)

fun
* super bowl party with young pros/young marrieds
* family dinner to celebrate my dad's birthday - i'm making boston cream pie cupcakes

other
* read & ship: historic preservation book, landscape architecture magazine
* dry cleaners
* more donations to durham rescue mission pile is growing, as is one for goodwill!
* valentine's day - friday 2/14
* two year anniversary of our 2nd first date - monday 2/24